Friday, December 23, 2011

November 2011

November has been a month of mixed emotions.  In fact, I could easily say that the six weeks starting November 1 have been hell. I started back to work.  The routine has been excruciating.  The routine makes me feel like I am in prison and it is just another reminder Ron is not with me. We shared each moment of the mornings until he kissed me good-bye outside my work building.  Then he would meet me at the end of the day and we would walk home together.  

It has been great to be surrounded by so many supportive people.  Having said that, there have been countless challenges and changes.  Many people have left our branch for one reason or another.  None of these departures were expected – meaning I never expected them nor were there rustlings or rumours. 

For me, this has been a year of emotions being close to the surface.  It takes very little for the tears to flow.  The loss of some of my workmates has been just that – another loss in my life.  It takes a period of time for me to process this loss and park it where it belongs.  I am not sure if I am doing a good job of that but I soldier onwards.

My body let me down health wise.  My headspace was nothing but fog.  My thyroid was out of whack, my blood sugar was high and I had bronchitis.  I was so tired and without fail the headaches emerged every day.  Marry my physical self with the emotional self and I was a mess.  Would it ever end?  And Christmas is coming…

It was not until the week of December 12 did I feel I was getting some energy back.

Christmas has been another challenge for me.  In all honesty there were times when I just wanted to drop the F bomb and say F $%&K Christmas but in my heart of hearts and my little Ron voice told me this was wrong.  What to do did not come easy.  I struggled with reliving Thanksgiving, which was very difficult for me, and finding a compromise so the kids did not feel like I just gave up.  I also did not want to ignore Christmas as it was Ron’s favourite time of year.  Thinking Christmas, listening to Christmas and seeing Christmas pop up around Victoria and the office was paralyzing me.  Christmas was coming whether I liked it or not.

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