Sunday, July 31, 2011

Thoughts and Emotions; Waves and the Ocean

The title is borrowed from the book The Tibetan Book of Living And Dying.  Countless thoughts.  The thoughts rising from deep and profound emotion are never ending much like the waves rising out of the ocean. There is always another and another.  Some waves much steeper than others, some gentle. 

I never stop thinking about Ron and why he had to move on so soon.  I will never find that reason, at least not in this life. 

I often have thoughts of Ron’s last hours.  How quiet, calm and free of pain he was.  I vividly remember his last breath.  I knew it was his last.   I kissed him; I spoke softly to him.  I told him.  I understand; I told him I love him.  I stood at the end of the bed and quietly observed my Ron.  I vividly remember how I left him, as if he were in a peaceful sleep.  I vividly remember walking away knowing that I would never see my husband again.  I remember being relieved for him that he did not have to endure another moment of pain underlying his inexorable and unstoppable cancer. 

I often have thoughts of where my life will take me.  Ron and I were so focused on our dream, and it was truly our dream, that I did not have wants and desires to be doing anything other than planning to sail off shore with Ron.

Thinking exhausts me for there are no answers to my questions. I think about where to live, work or not work, live aboard or not live aboard, what should I do next, travel or not travel, sign up for courses or not, volunteer or not volunteer, stay put or not stay put, do something or be patient, keep sailboat or purchase power boat, keep same boat or purchase smaller boat, take a road trip or stay home, run or face the future, determine the future or let it happen, what is sensible, what is not sensible, what is reasonable, what is not reasonable.  I constantly wonder,  “Who am I?” “Where am I going?” “What is my future?”

I do know that I have my morals and values.  I do know that I love my kids and grand children to bits and pieces.  I do know who my friends are.  I do know that I am loved.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I like to share my stories; I like to help others.  I have little tolerance and energy for the petty issues.  I admire the strength of many. 

Without Ron I do know that I will never be the same Janice.  For now, I will let my thoughts build, roll in and out of my emotions as the waves build and roll in and out of the ocean. I believe that one day I will find the calm.

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