Thoughts and Emotions; Waves and the Ocean

The title is borrowed from the book The Tibetan Book of Living And Dying.  Countless thoughts.  The thoughts rising from deep and profound emotion are never ending much like the waves rising out of the ocean. There is always another and another.  Some waves much steeper than others, some gentle. 

I never stop thinking about Ron and why he had to move on so soon.  I will never find that reason, at least not in this life. 

I often have thoughts of Ron’s last hours.  How quiet, calm and free of pain he was.  I vividly remember his last breath.  I knew it was his last.   I kissed him; I spoke softly to him.  I told him.  I understand; I told him I love him.  I stood at the end of the bed and quietly observed my Ron.  I vividly remember how I left him, as if he were in a peaceful sleep.  I vividly remember walking away knowing that I would never see my husband again.  I remember being relieved for him that he did not have to endure another moment of pain underlying his inexorable and unstoppable cancer. 

I often have thoughts of where my life will take me.  Ron and I were so focused on our dream, and it was truly our dream, that I did not have wants and desires to be doing anything other than planning to sail off shore with Ron.

Thinking exhausts me for there are no answers to my questions. I think about where to live, work or not work, live aboard or not live aboard, what should I do next, travel or not travel, sign up for courses or not, volunteer or not volunteer, stay put or not stay put, do something or be patient, keep sailboat or purchase power boat, keep same boat or purchase smaller boat, take a road trip or stay home, run or face the future, determine the future or let it happen, what is sensible, what is not sensible, what is reasonable, what is not reasonable.  I constantly wonder,  “Who am I?” “Where am I going?” “What is my future?”

I do know that I have my morals and values.  I do know that I love my kids and grand children to bits and pieces.  I do know who my friends are.  I do know that I am loved.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I like to share my stories; I like to help others.  I have little tolerance and energy for the petty issues.  I admire the strength of many. 

Without Ron I do know that I will never be the same Janice.  For now, I will let my thoughts build, roll in and out of my emotions as the waves build and roll in and out of the ocean. I believe that one day I will find the calm.

Meghan & Blair - July 9, 2011

Weather Report:  Clear blue skies, sunny, warm and a gentle breeze. 

The morning of wedding day was full of as much energy as the days leading up to the wedding.  We now have to make the commitment to venture to the venue.  Nothing more can be done in the Comox Valley.  Off we go.  Meghan and her iPhone was multi-tasking on the ride between Comox Valley and Saratoga Beach (next door to Miracle Beach).  I could not help but think of what we did before the “SMART” phone.  We arrived and let it be sufficient for me to say that a few last minute details captured Meghan’s attention before retreating to the Mother-of-the-Brides’s cabin.  The cabin was a hub of activity with so many people:  the bride, the mother of the bride, maid of honour, bride attendant, two flower girls, mother of flower girls, photographer and photographer assistant.  Whew!  Have I missed anyone?  Winston, my fur baby, watched the commotion from his blanket tucked in the corner.

Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.  Meghan’s engagement ring was that of Blair’s nana when she was first engaged – something old.  Meghan’s beautiful strapless and form fitting wedding gown, a gift from me and Ron, was something new.  A green bead from my Chamilia bracelet was something borrowed.  For something blue, Meghan chose sapphire earrings tearfully and lovingly pinned to the underside of her dress.  These earrings were a gift to Meghan from Ron many years ago.

I am going to take a few sentences to digress.  In July of 2010 Ron and I had some boxes at my father’s that needed to be sorted.  As usual, Meg was there to help.  In one of the boxes was a pair of LABBATS sunglasses.  They were dark blue had a retro look but they were the real thing.  Ron had won those glasses in a ski race in March 1985.  I know this because I was in the same race and on the same team as Ron.  Meghan was just three months old.   I too won glasses but mine were white and I lost track of them years ago. 

 

Meghan donned the glasses and announced, “ I am wearing these when I walk down the aisle with Blair.”  Little did she, or I, or Ron could have guessed what was about to happen later that afternoon.  Blair, at Nana’s place in the country, proposed to Meghan!  Coincidence or what???  Meghan wore the sunglasses, as declared, down the sandy aisle at Saratoga Beach. 

The bride was stunning, the groom striking.  Minutes after the ceremony, Bill an esteemed friend of Ron’s, found Meghan in a rare moment alone.  He approached her, lowered his 6’4’’ frame to Meghan’s 5’3’’.  He gently and softly spoke the following words “Ron asked me to tell you that he is here watching and that he loves you very much and he is so very happy for you.”  Ron was with us – words from Bill, the sunglasses, the earrings and the love for all. 

It was an amazing day.  What is more amazing is that Bill kept this a secret for five months.  What is even more amazing is my husband, Ron; to be hours away from dying and thinking of anyone but himself.  

With A Little Help From My Friends

And of course daughter and son...

Today is Meghan's wedding  It has been a buzz of activity and that has been good for me.  Thursday morning was not so good for me.  I was exhausted from a very unsettled night and found myself with the weeping continuing into the day on Thursday.  I packed up to be with family and friends in the Comox Valley.  Once I arrived I felt much better and much settled.  

Let me rephrase that... I was kept so busy I didn't have time to think about  my woes.  Running around, consults with the bride, shopping for food, food preparation, consults with the bride, food delivery, consults with the bride, decorating, consults with the bride, table setting and more consults with the bride.  You get the picture. 

A huge thank you to Bill and Leanne for opening their doors and the use of their gourmet kitchen for the food preparation and their tireless efforts on the multi tasks that go along with the day before the wedding panic.

The big day is here!  I have been awake since 0500.  Today I know that Ron is with me.  He will want Meghan to have the best day ever.  Thank you to those who have reassured me that Ron will be here.  I believe that it has added to my strenght for the day.  Off I go... stay tuned and I promise to post a picture or two. 

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

This week it feels like my emotional strength has slipped backwards.  Perhaps it is a perfect storm - getting closer to Meghan's wedding, dealing with bankers, dealing with everyday issues.  It has worn me out emotionally.  For some reason I cannot find the strength to pull it together.  Tomorrow is a new day.  


I am so looking forward to the happiest day of my daughters life - her wedding day on July 9th.  It will be an outdoor wedding and more fitting, a beach wedding at Passages Resort, Miracle Beach.  She will be marrying her friend, the love of her life.


I am dreading the happiest day of my daughters life.  It is a family event and Ron was meant to be there.  Everyone tells me Ron will be with us and that is true but it is not good enough.  Here I sit broken hearted.  You may have heard the saying - two souls, one heart.  That was me and Ron.  When he died, my heart died with him.  


Both my kids feel that step-father was not an appropriate title for Ron.  To them he was much more.  He was a mentor, a role model, an inspiration, a sounding board, a friend and so much more.  


Ron will be hugely missed on July 9 and I have to believe he will give me the strength to be the best mom on her daughters wedding day.