The Good Things In My Life

I have many, many events and people that create positive power in my life.  Winston, my fur baby, is with me every opportunity I can include him.  If I was allowed, he would be going to work with me.  It is our unconditional love for each other.  Living on a 45 foot boat makes it even more obvious how much he likes to be in my space – he follows me from one room to the next – and I only have five rooms on the boat. 

Meghan, my daughter, is getting married on July 9.  I cannot think of a more happier and positive event for me to be a part of.  The planning has taken place, now we action the plans.  I expect Meg’s wedding will be like most, last minute items to give a bride last minute anxiety.  A wedding is not complete without a ‘Hen Party”.  Just this past weekend Rebecca organized Meghan’s bachelorette party in Victoria.  I had an amazingly good time out and about with 20 something girls.  When it came time to hit the night clubs it was time for this Party Momma to say goodnight. 

I love going to the Comox Valley to visit the grands.  Three grand-daughters and two extra little girls bring me much love and entertainment.  We visit the beach, the swimming pool, have park picnics and just hang out.  It brings pure joy to my heart to spend time with Rayna, Juliet, Amelia, Gracie and Mikayla. 

My son, Stewart, is honing his photography skills.  When we get together we talk photography.  I am sure it will be Stew who helps bring that passion of photography into my life.  We have some ideas up our sleeves to help each other along. 

What on earth have I gotten myself into… another half marathon.  Meg and I did the San Francisco Nike Women’s Half Marathon last October.  We were looking for another but I was overwhelmed with decision of when, travel to and from, expenses  etc.  The conclusion was in my own back yard.  We have now signed up for the Royal Victoria Half Marathon on October 9, 2011.  Let the training begin.  It has been shameful to know that a few months ago I could run 22K.  Today I am happy to run 6K.  I have my work cut out for me.  It will be physical, mental and emotion but the rewards will be healing.  Meg and I are hoping that Kirsten will join us.  Let the workouts begin!

Next on y wish list of things to do is the Bahamas.  I have friends who have purchased a condo down there.  Paradise!  My intent is to visit them in 2012 for a week or two.  And third on my wish list is to participate in the Vic-Maui Yacht Race in May 2012.  This is in the pre-preliminary stages of planning.  I first need to find a skipper who will take me on board.  Then training will follow.  Participating in the Vic-Maui race will be for me and for Ron.  We have always wanted to cross an ocean.  The Pacific will work for me!

You Ask, I Tell

Some of you ask me how I am doing.  For the most part, I can suck it up, control my tears and say something like “OK”, “good”, ‘keeping busy’ and so on.  The outside of me looks good – at least I think so.  The inside of me is still very much still processing the loss of my love, my husband, our dream, our plan.  I am grieving for all that I have lost.  The inside of me is healing and I cannot tell how long that will take.  I will be honest in saying that I have not yet submitted a blog posting to this site without countless tears.   

Each and every day that I walk the West Song Walkway, I cry.  Sometimes I cry when I leave home – Ron should be with me and I simply miss him walking or running with me.   Sometimes I cry when I walk past flowers or blossoms - Ron loved to photograph flowers and this past Spring memories of us walking and taking pictures  would take over present thoughts.  Sometimes I cry when I watch the boat traffic – Ron and I should be out there.  And sometimes I cry when I look across the harbor and see when we celebrated Ron and his life – it was the perfect celebration but it should not have taken place for another 40 years. 

There are days when I am busy down below on the boat.  I stop and think that any minute I will hear Ron’s footsteps on the deck.  Ron’s footsteps were the sweet sound of my true love coming home to me.  Then I catch myself and realize I will never hear his sound again. I find myself sitting in silence pouring all my energy into making it happen.  Hear the footsteps, listen for the footsteps.  Silence prevails.  It is a tough reality to swallow.  I then have to gather myself, pull it together and carry on. 

Ah… this is a tough one.  Other couples, other happy and in love couples.  I see the signs and for me it is very painful.  Often I turn away because I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I know that I should be ecstatically happy for them.   I had that kind of love.  I know how it feels.  Sometimes Ron and I were so happy and giddy with love that we felt guilty.   I miss my happiness.  I miss my love. 

Frequently my mind is overcome by thoughts or images that invade my mind.  I cannot control it.  Today, I had thoughts of my Christmas card, from Ron, that I have not yet opened.  I have two Valentines cards he gave to me before he passed away.  I have not opened them.  If I know Ron, he wrote the most eloquent note in my Christmas card.  I also know that being overcome by his cancer, Ron could barely sign his name in the Valentines cards.  One day I will muster the courage to open a card. 

I have not truly picked up the camera to take photographs.  I have taken pictures but to me that is much different than photographs.  I believe the passion will return.  I want it back.  I have found it is something that I cannot force onto myself.  Time heals.  Let’s see if it is true for me.

Frequently while lying in bed at night I wonder if I could have held Ron tighter, held him longer, held him closer, kissed him with more passion or loved him deeper.  Could I have done more?  With these thoughts, I become despondent and feel immense despair.  

Regularly I think that I should go on a trip – without Ta Daa – fly somewhere.  I have caught myself perusing the internet, ads in window displays and ads in magazines.  Then I am struck with loneliness.  I cannot go without Ron.  Looking and planning just does not feel right.  I dismiss the idea of a trip. 

Ron was the keeper of my heart and soul.  Ron nourished me.  And, Ron completed me.  If I were a sailboat, Ron would be my wind.  Without wind a sailboat has no direction.  That is exactly where I am… I have no direction.  I do believe that wind will hit my sails again.  I do not know what my wind will look like or the direction it will come nor do I know where it will take me. 

I miss our evenings together.  We would talk about our day and what tomorrow would look like.  We would share good wine, fine scotch or soothing tea.  I miss turning to Ron and saying, “It’s bedtime, Harris.  Let go to bed.”  Each and every night we were home together we would kiss each other goodnight, tell each other we loved the other, and wished each other sweet dreams.  I have a picture beside my bed of Ron.  Each night I blow him a kiss and wish him sweet dreams. 

So, when you ask how I am doing, I will say “OK”, “Good” or “I am doing fine.”  Ask me in a year.  I am sure I will be doing much better. 

“When our treasures become memories our loving memories become treasures.” Author Unknown

Sick and Tired of FORMS

When Ron and I first listened to his diagnosis we were in shock.  We had a lot to digest, Ron more than I – each assimilating the news according to our own personal considerations.  A mere few weeks later, Ron took it upon himself to create a binder of information, initiate what processes he could, and even found the courage to fill out some forms except for his date of death.  To this day, I do not know where he found the courage – all I know is it was an act of love and respect I never anticipated or envisioned – but that was Ron.  He is an extraordinary man.

Because of Ron’s courage I dove into the form filling process.  I thought I was doing so well.  That is until I started getting phone calls to say that “you forgot to date your form”, “your forgot to sign your form”, “you dated the form for the wrong year” and so on and so on.  Finally, I felt that I had mastered all the required documents and I could have a bit of a reprieve. 

Not so, more forms – this time to do with my work.  Forms, doctor appointments, forms, doctor appointments.  It is a no wonder the grieving process takes time… we have to put grieving on hold to deal with legal and formal requirements.  Then there is income tax.  I have finally put all the documentation together to complete our 2010 tax.  Pardon the pun but this weekend has been extremely taxing – more forms, Ron’s birthday, and Father’s day.  I am at a loss for words to explain the pain and anguish I felt off and on these past four days.  Tomorrow is a new day.

 I know they say we should be careful what we wish for.  I can honestly say that everyday I wish for Ron – his voice, his laugh, his gentle touch, his smile, his encouragement, his humour, his whole being.  

Today Is A New Day

I was not prepared for yesterday.  Yesterday, on Ron’s birthday, I relived his last few hours of life over and over.  I could not shake it.  The intensity of my loss was overwhelming.   

I could not come to grips with why this had to happen to Ron, to us.  We had what others dream of.   Others will never experience the perfection of our friendship, our relationship, our marriage and our teamwork.  Ronald, my heart will be yours forever.

For those of you who followed RootinForRon.blogspot.com you know that I received copious amounts of red wine in lieu of flowers.  There was one bottle that I was saving for the right time.  This bottle was given to me by Keri and Spiff, neighbours at the marina.  It was Lagarde Malbec 2007.  Yesterday was the right time.  Also, Ron and I have wine glasses with our names on them – a wedding gift from Meghan.  I enjoyed the bottle of Lagarde Malbec in Ron’s wine glass.  It seemed a fitting way to toast and honour Ron on his birthday.

Today as I mentioned is a new day.  I am feeling emotionally exhausted.  I lazed in bed and read while it rained this morning.  As the rain subsided and the winds were calm, I decided it was a good day to go for a row.  My neighbour, Karen, has offered to lend me her sweet little rowboat.  It was a new experience for me and Winston.  Yes, Winston came along.  It was important for me to see if he would be happy rowing with me.  A rowboat is something that I would like to own but I want to make sure it will get the use if I can find a used one.  Thank you Karen and Doug.  Rowing was a great release physically and good for my mind.  

Today - June 17 - Is Ron's Birthday

Ron was born on June 17, 1949. He would have been 62 years young.  For you young folks reading this 62 might sound old but let me tell you, Ron was young in thought, young at heart, and strong on adventure.  He loved Disneyland, Disney World, theme park rides, Harry Potter, Transformers,  and all the great animated movies - Shrek, Monsters Inc, Happy Feet and more.  Ron was my youthful influence.  He still is.

Today is Ron’s birthday.  It is four months and four days since his passing. 

Yesterday I had a taxing afternoon.  I was thinking about today, Ron’s birthday. I have always taken great care in choosing birthday cards for Ron.  They have to say exactly how I feel about Ron.  This year was no different.  Some may think I am over the top but I found myself in Shoppers picking out the perfect birthday card for Ron.  I signed it as I always do -  “I will love you until all the stars fall from the sky.”  Ron, you are and always will be the love of my life.  Be happy, be healthy where ever you are.  You are loved more than you could ever imagine.

The Past Four Months

To my followers, I at least owe you a summary of the past four months. 

March 20 – April 12

As you know, I returned from Hawaii on March 13.  A week later I was to have Ta Daa (our 45’ sailboat) at Canoe Cove to be hauled out for bottom maintenance – a scrub and paint.

To make the trip to Canoe Cove, I needed company, just because… because I just did not want to be alone.  Ted and Cheryl agreed to accompany me.  This was the first time that I have ever left the dock without Ron.  I honestly did not know how I would cope.  I have to say that there are many responsibilities before setting out and many responsibilities while under way.  I now realized that the entire responsibility rested on my shoulders.  Ted and Cheryl, also Hunter sailboat owners, were welcome and comfortable guests on board.  It was gusting to near 20 knots and a little too much for me to want to sail on this particular voyage.  Naturally, we made it safe and sound.  Thank you, Cheryl and Ted!

While in Canoe Cove I realized that I had decisions to make.  In the past, Ron and I would usually discuss what was to be done and agree on priorities.  Again, this responsibility rested on my shoulders – mine alone.  I am beginning to not like this but there is no alternative.  I had to suck it up and carry on. 

I had the bottom scrubbed and painted, the through hulls inspected, my hot water tank checked, the boat polished, the aft life lines changed to stainless and an outboard motor lift installed. 

The stomach cancer scare with Winston also took place during this period.  For two days life was surreal.  You can read about this in my previous post Winston Harris 1^st – My Fur Baby. 

April 13 – May 5

During my stay at Canoe Cove, I came to the conclusion that I must to get away on the boat.  This was going to be my version of a walkabout.  I was afeared that if I did not head out on the boat – by myself – that I would become complacent and not use the boat at all.  Off I went.

Tim and Tara came to see me off at Canoe Cove.  While they were visiting we realized that Tara had time to come with me to Ganges.  We had a girl voyage – except for Winston.  It was a short trip.  Once there we had a late lunch before Tara boarded the local transit to Fulford Harbour for the ferry ride back to Swartz Bay.  By 1930, same evening, Leanne and Gracie showed up and kept me company for two nights.  We visited with the Momma and Bud, I provisioned Ta Daa and filled the propane tanks.  It was now time to head out.  My first goal was to cross The Salish Sea also known as the Georgia Strait.  This is a long trip so I decided to head to Montegue Harbour on Galiano Island.  Leanne and Gracie saw me off on April 15 in the morning.  Poignant is the word that comes to mind.  As I motored out of Ganges Harbour I was overcome with irrepressible sobbing.   Little did I know, the same was happening to Leanne.  We had both come to the realization that I was truly on my own. 

Once docked in Montegue I set out to take Winston for a row to a beach.  I should note here that the Marina was still closed for the season – not a soul in sight.  This is the first time I had been to Montegue.  It was beautiful, quiet and picturesque.  I was, yet again, moved by emotion.  I truly missed sharing new this experience with Ron.   I was upset that he could not share the beauty and solitude with me.

That evening I checked the charts, weather and tide and current tables.  All was good to go to False Creek, Granville Island. 

Once through Porlier Pass I was in the open strait.  I expected emotion but conversely felt a great sense of calm and peace.  This was a delightful and unexpected feeling.  It was windless, as was forecast.  I motored onward.  About half way, I was haunted by my Hawaiian wedding dress. 

Ron had a matching shirt.  Ron was cremated in this Hawaiian wedding attire.  I wore this dress while spreading Ron’s pixie dust in Hawaii.  For me it was symbolic. Once home from Hawaii, I wondered about the dress.  I knew in my heart I would never wear it again.  I also knew that I did not want to give it to a thrift store.  I did not even want to keep this dress but I was stumped as to what to do with it.  That is until I was stunned by my own thought.  With Ta Daa on auto pilot I went below, got my dress and ceremoniously threw it in to the ocean.  That is where it belonged, with Ron.  I felt a great sense of relief.  It felt right.

The winds, heading into English Bay, were gusting to 30 knots.  Not a problem.  I safely docked at Specialty Yachts.  There I stayed for a few days while seeking information regarding my hot water tank. 

The crossing of Georgia Strait, I thought was going to be more weepy than it was.  Again I was taken aback.  Granville Island was extremely demanding on my emotions.  It took me a couple days to solve the unknown.  I came to realize that Granville Island was a big part of our life.  We made many boat decisions here.  We laughed, we cried, we realized our boating dreams, and we found our courage on Granville Island.  On Granville Island we kissed, we hugged, we supported and professed our love for each other.  The reality of our – Ron and Janice - dream come true was instigated on Granville Island; from our first 30’ sailboat to our 45’ Ta Daa.  It was a tough nut to swallow being there alone.  Lawrence, thank you for your friendship and for putting up with so many tears.

After Granville Island, I headed for Schooner Cove, then off to the Comox Valley.  There I spent Easter with the kids at Filberg Lodge.  I was very happy being in the Valley with family and friends.  All good things come to an end and it was time for me to think about heading home.  Nanaimo was my next stop.  Here I got to visit with Ron and Monica.  Great food and great company;  thank you so much for your friendship.  From Nanaimo I headed back to Montegue Harbour.  This time I hooked a mooring buoy for the night.  This was my first time on a mooring buoy and that is another story for another time.  From Montegue I headed to Sidney North Saanich Yacht Club.  It was too windy to head to homeport Westbay.  May 5, the wind lightened so Winston and I headed home.  It was a bittersweet moment.  I felt as thought I could have stayed out roaming around forever.  If you watched Forest Gump remember when he ran and ran and ran.  I now know that feeling.  I just wanted to go and never come back.

May 10 – June 16

May 10 I returned to work, very part time.  I have always said that if I have to work, I am fortunate to work with my current team.  The support is unwavering and never ending.  I felt confident to return to work.  No amount preplanning could have prepared me for such emotional upset.  My workspace is a shrine of Ron memorabilia:  pictures, quotes, cards, emails and more.  These items are the love that I surrounded myself with, all gifts and tokens of his thoughts and feelings collected over the years.  Today I still have not found the strength or courage to turn on the electronic photo album.  I stare at it from time to time wondering if I have the strength.  Ultimately I turn away with the belief that it will happen another day. 

Good news!  My daughter is getting married on July 9.  She is keeping my mind occupied.  The truth is that I am happy to have such a joyous distraction.  I am  thankful that I can live so far away and be so involved with the planning.  Thanks Meg!!  Love you forever.

Also, my son and his children bring me happy, happy times.  Leanne, Bill and Gracie too.  Just a few days ago we had a great time exploring Kye Bay at low tide.  It was disappointing when it was time to head to the cabin for lunch.  Crab, sand dollars, moon snails, bull heads and much more in abundance at the beach. 

I have had the fun of taking the boat out on two more occasions; the Bluewater Cruising Rendezvous on Pender Island and the Hunter Rendezvous on Thetis Island.  Each time I take the boat, my confidence for single handed sailing grows and grows. 

When I look back, I can honestly and thankfully say that I am in the grieving process and working my way through it.  I have to admit, when I look to the future there is a lack of joy in my heart, great sadness and frustration.  I do believe that will change in time.  I can also tell you that there is much pain in my heart.  There are days that I believe that a broken heart will never mend.  Then there are days that I have hope. 

I have also come to learn that I am not only grieving the loss of a great man I am grieving the loss of our dream.  There is no wind in my sails.   I am grieving that loss too.  

Winston Harris 1st - My Fur Baby

I do not recall devoting any blog space to Winston so now is the time.  Winston is our English cocker spaniel.  He picked us as his new owners in January of 2001.  He was ten months old.


Winston had previous owners who beat him as a puppy.  The wounds in our little guy are deep.  Hold that thought.


Ron and I used to say that if we had a nickel for every smile he put on our face we would be filthy rich.  When we first adopted Winston I had sternly said that he would not be sleeping on the bed.  Within six months he had taken over our queen size bed.  For Winston, life is grand when he has a full belly and he is snuggled to one of us.  Ron called him my shadow.  For a long time, Winston would only go places with me or me and Ron.  


One Saturday morning, when we lived at Swartz Bay, Ron proved to me just how stubborn Winston was if I was not there.  Ron dressed for a run, leashed Winston and proceeded down the driveway---not.  Wiston would not go.  He dug his little paws into the drive way in a similar fashion to a donkey who is not going to budge.  Looking out the bedroom window I could not contain myself.  I was rolling on the floor in fits of hysterical laughter. That is one story we never forgot and often told.   


Dogs have feelings and the innate ability to sense.  Reflecting on the past year, I have realized what a stressful year it has been for Winston.  One year ago, June 10, Ron, Winston and I set out to circumnavigate Vancouver Island.  While Winston is treated extremely well, there are time when we are boating he is not the happiest canine.  He does not like extremely rough weather.  He does however, tolerate long days aboard.  We have always ensured that he had solid ground at the end of the day.  He definitely likes dinghy rides.  Most of all, he loved to snuggle with Ron in the cockpit while we were under way.  We were away from June 10 to about July 20.  Winston was in his glory having us every day, all day for six weeks.  


August 19 Ron was diagnosed with mesothelioma.  Ron never returned to his work.  Ron and Winston were all day buddies. Winston had to have felt the unrest and turbulence of our new life coping with Ron's cancer.  I, too, was leading a less than scheduled life - work, doctor appointments, caner clinic appointments and Ron's bucket list.  


Toward the end, we left Winston with neighbours Tim and Tara while Ron and I went to Disney World.   Shortly after Ron's visit with Mickey, he was admitted to palliative care.  Winston was allowed to visit and I did bring him every day up until a couple days before Ron slipped away.  This too was an upset to Winston's world.   He was always well taken care of but he knew something was going on.  


In April, I had to rush Winston to the vet.  The diagnosis, after x-rays and ultra sound, was stomach cancer.  I was told there is no treatment except to control the pain.  I thought to myself, why am I going through this again with my dog.  I asked for another opinion and the information was sent back east to an 'expert' and his diagnosis was that Winston did not have stomach cancer.  This good news came two days after the initial diagnosis.  Winston was feeling better and in no pain.  I accepted the latter diagnosis.


The whole ordeal at the vet traumatized Winston.  Remember earlier I said that he was a beaten puppy.  Well, all the trust that Winston had learned over the past ten years has been lost.  If he feels the slightest inkling that he is going to be hurt, he will nip at you to protect himself.  I now have to warn everyone of Winston's self preservation actions.  


During Winston's emergency and for the two days after, when I believed stomach cancer would be Winston's fate, I had come to grips that perhaps Ron needed Winston with him.  Or perhaps, Winston needed to be with Ron.  Somehow, the universe decided that Winston should stay with me for a little longer.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Since Ron's passing, life has been less than routine for Winston.  He has learned to ignore me.  I have been trained to call him too many times before being made to obey the command.  I found myself getting very frustrated as I am sure he has been frustrated with me.  I needed to go back to the basics in training.  


At the Cy Hanson Park on Lochside Drive, I witnessed a man controlling his dog with a whistle.  I grilled this man for a half hour on how to do it and ultimately, is Winston too old.  He said no, Winston is not too old.  The whistle training has been a refreshing new start for us.  Winston is my loyal little buddy.