October

This month, as with past months, has had its challenges.  To catch you up, Ron and I own a house in Courtenay.  This was the year that we were going to take on the refresh challenge.   This is also the house where, for several years, I raised Stewart and Meghan.  It is the house I lived in when Ron and I started dating.  It is the house Ron and I refreshed 13 years ago.  You get the picture… this house is teeming with memories

To state the obvious, I bit off more than I could chew in the time constraints I placed on the project… again you get the picture.

The tenants were asked to vacate for the renovations.  Renovations include but are not limited to: new floors, new countertops, new heaters, new doors, new faucets, fresh paint and yard work.

To say that I have missed Ron is and understatement to the n^th degree.  The first few days were agonizing and miserable.  I felt I was tearing our past out of the house.  Making decisions caused immense distress.  You see, Ron and I would have been discussing all aspects of this project.  Now it was on me.  When others made comments  or suggestions I became extremely defensive.  My defensiveness brought on tears and sadness.  This in turn caused me to shut down.  I became very selective about the topics I would raise.  This, in turn, caused me to be confident in my decisions.  I learned to be positive, committed, and comfortable.  As I write, the project proceeds on schedule.

Thanksgiving was particularly difficult for me.  Of three invites I was emotionally able to fulfill one.  My sister invited me for a Saturday evening dinner.  My initial reaction was to decline.  My inside voice told me I should go – go I did.  I went late, maybe on purpose.  I remember sitting at the table and felt like I was removed from the party of eight.  I could see their mouths moving; I could hear voices but not comprehending the conversation.  I sat and ate in silence.  I got the sense that my behavior made some uncomfortable.  I did not care.  Although I have lots to be thankful for however, I was not feeling thankful.  Between courses I became aware of the conversation – death, funerals, and preparation for death.  I just wanted it to stop.  I wanted to scream.  Instead I stood and proceeded to the door.  As I put on my shoes, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I told my sister I could not handle the conversation.  I left.

Sunday night I was invited to my son’s house.  This was much more comfortable for me – a small number of family.  The little ones made me laugh with their many means of entertainment; dancing, stories, pictures and just being four and six.  I have said it before and I will say it again – it is the kids who bring snippets of joy to my heart.  I am thankful for healthy kids and healthy grand daughters. 

Thanksgiving Day.  On this morning you could find me in Leanne and Bill’s gourmet kitchen.  I baked a pumpkin cheesecake and stuffed a pumpkin with savoury bread stuffing to accompany the barbequed turkey.  Gracie and I also made Halloween Rice Crispie Squares for the visiting kids.  Bill and Leanne set about with their chores preparing for company to arrive at one PM.  As time grew near, I became very anxious.  By eleven thirty I herded Winston into the Volvo and we left.  I could not bear what was to come:  more people and giving thanks.  Once away from the house I texted Leanne with apologies and to let her know I would not be back until much later.  She understood.  I then called Meghan and sobbed into the phone that I just could not ‘do it’.  Meg joined me for the afternoon.  I was appreciative for her company. 

The very next day, I felt a profound and physical sense of relief that Thanksgiving was over.  It was the proverbial weight lifted off my shoulders.  Next is Christmas.

I have decided, based on Thanksgiving, that I will take Winston to Tofino for Christmas.  I have made reservations for a beachfront cabin.  My counselor asked if isolating myself will make it easier.  Quite confidently I stated no.  No, it will not be easier.  I have chosen an environment where I am completely comfortable to work through my heartache and pain, my anguish and sorrow.  I have talked to the kids and they understand.  I will also have Christmas with the kids prior to Christmas. 

Mid October I was feeling the best I have felt in months; optimistic, confident and energized.  How timely as November 1 was my return to work date.   I was looking forward to taking my seat again but this time I felt much stronger mentally, physically and emotionally.  I was looking forward to returning to a very supportive team of colleagues.  One unexpected communication changed my outlook.  I learned, just a few days after Thanksgiving, that a major change had taken place within my team; my comfort, my support. 

As sad and shocked as I was with the news of the change in the office, I knew that I had to and could work past the negative effects.  I coached myself to embrace the change and return to work with a positive approach.   It worked.  I noticed a marked difference between returning last May (with futile results) and returning November 1.  I could feel it in my bones.  Unlike in May, this time I was more focused, I was interested in the tasks and conversations and, I genuinely participated.  This is good!   

This past weekend was busy with house renovation work and my dad’s 80^th birthday.  We, my sisters and I, hosted an open house for the “Mayor of Royston”.  Dad had a very good time reminiscing with his old cronies who dropped in to roast and toast the Mayor.