Tuesday, August 2, 2011

An Eleven Letter Word


Did I ever tell you that Ron, in our fourteen and a half years together never denied me of anything?  Even if we were broke, he would say, “It’s OK, we can do it.”  “If you really like it, get it.”  Or better yet, if he knew I really liked something but resisted for whatever reason, he would eventually come home with it. 

On Sunday I was at the Filberg Festival with Stew, Clare, Leanne, Bill and the kids.  This is the very same location where Ron and I married, August 16, 1997.  We truly married out of love and want for each other rather than need.  We never fought.  We had a lovely and respectful way of communicating to working things out. 

I kept my emotions in check as we strolled the grounds and admired the craftsmanship presented.  It was not until near the end when Leanne introduced me to some beautiful beaded bracelets and I heard the word anniversary did I start to lose it – subtly.  I headed over to the food booth and stood in line with Clare for some noodles.  After noodles it was time to go but not before looking at the bracelets one more time.  I got chatting to the creator, Stephanie, and decided I might like a bracelet.  My small wrists warranted a bracelet to be custom made.  I told her I would think about it.  What was going through my head was ‘anniversary’.   If Ron were here he would have been purchasing this beautiful piece of art for me.  We would be celebrating another year of bliss.  The reality set in.  I had to leave. 

By the time I got back to the boat, I was so bent out of shape with emotion; anguish, self-pity and sorrow to say the least, that I could not control the tears and weeping.  One thought led to another I just kept getting deeper and deeper into this emotional pit.  Therapy was needed.  I pulled myself together in the evening and opened a bottle of red wine and toasted Ron realizing that this month will bring the six month anniversary of Ron’s passing, our 14th wedding anniversary and the first anniversary of Ron’s cancer diagnosis.  These dates are August 13th, 16th  and 19th.  Yes, I have more red wine on board. 

The next morning I wake and think thank goodness it is a new day.  Out I go to walk Winston and the tears just started flowing again.  Unstoppable they were.  I did not meet friends and family for the parade.  Again, I could not pull myself together.  I told myself this has to stop.  While I am telling myself this, everything I read says to let it happen, let it pass.  It is part of the process. 

As a result, I cleaned and cleaned.  The cockpit is spotless.  Also as a result, I have come to believe that for now, ANNIVERSARY is a FOUR letter word.  Ask me next year how I feel.  

No comments:

Post a Comment