I Believe

These past couple of weeks I have given a lot of attention to ‘things’.  Things like  superfluous items on the boat, switching summer clothes for winter and all the sympathy cards that I have received. 

After Ron’s Celebration I sat and read each and every card.  I then placed them in a bowl.  This bowl has significant meaning.  It is our last anniversary gift to each other.  The bowl, carved by the master carver Sanford Williams of Yuquot, Nootka Island is adorned with hummingbirds.  The bowl was designed to be used for items such as fruit, nuts, chips, etcetera.  It was not designed for sympathy cards. 

This week, I read each and every one of your cards again.  When reading the cards, I cherished the kind words that honoured Ron and the grateful words of encouragement.  The poems and quotes imprinted on the cards were profound – some sad, some uplifting and, some encouraging – all true.  I am so proud of my husband.  He was an exceptional co-worker, a true friend and a caring neighbor.  All this came through loud and clear again – it is written in the cards. 

The cards.  Regardless of the messages written within, I could not bring myself to keep them any longer.  Looking at them in our anniversary bowl, they brought me not comfort but despair.  Me and the cards parted ways.  I truly hope you understand.

Next item that deserved my attention were much deserved and overdue thank you cards.  I had been thinking about this task for months but could not bring myself to tackle it.  Simply put, it was too painful to even think about it.  As soon as I started to craft the message or choose the picture I shut down.  I walked away from the computer.  This week I conquered the challenge. 

This challenge, as with reading the sympathy cards, brought the emotion to the surface.  I worked on the thank you cards for five days before I felt I had chosen the perfect picture and created a sincere message.  I cried while dropping the cards in the mail, I cried delivering them to specific locations.   Ron’s work place, for instance.  I had intended to ask for Cheryl.  As soon as I drove to the building I knew I could not do it.  I left the cards with security to deliver on my behalf.  It was tough, tough because it is another act of acceptance that Ron is no longer here with me. 

I believe… I believe that time will heal.  I believe that there are people out there who are suffering more that I am from their own set of circumstances.  I believe I have a bright future.  I believe that I will be better than OK.