What I Didn't Know

I did not know that when Ron passed that I would become a family counselor, an event planner, an office manager, a financial planner and so on and so on. 

My husband, my Ron had created a folder for me.  It contained detailed contact information for his employer, forms that he completed as much as he could, and a list of requests for me to complete on his behalf.  I, frankly, have had it up to my eyeballs with forms and paperwork.  Some of the people I have had to deal with have been extremely understanding and some have been less than compassionate.  For the less than compassionate I am sure whatever they are doing and need to say, it is all in a day's work.  Perhaps they are being officious and efficient.  I can tell you, I am extremely grateful for those who have taken a moment to give condolences and offer to work with me to get the job done right. 

I did not know how  tough it was going to be to go from bank to bank to remove Ron's name from our accounts.  Or to receive mail that now bares my name only where it used to have both.  I did not know how tough it would be to function to get through the day.  I did not know that I would be still living in disbelief. 

There are times where I have felt completely angry because it was evident to me that I was wiping his existence from this earth; that he has gone from being my husband, a father and friend to a statistic.  It just did not feel right in my heart.  It still doesn't. 

I did not know the agony I would be going through even though we knew Ron's cancer was going to end his life. 

I did not know how foolish I was to think this would be easier than it is.

Ha Makai

A fresh new start.  Ha - the breath of life.  Makai - toward the sea.  I feel that these Hawaiian words capture the essence where I am in life since the death of my husband, my friend Ronald Harris.

 Ron's physical being was transferred to the spiritual being off Diamond Head  Oahu, Hawaii on March 7, 2011.  His ashes - also known as - pixie dust were sprinkled into the warm ocean waters at sunset.  A beautiful, stunning and appropriate close for a loving and romantic man.  I feel it appropriate and fitting to begin life with my spiritual Ron with a touch of Hawaii. 

For those of you not aware, Ron and I lived aboard a 45' sailboat.  While Ron is no longer with me, I continue to live aboard.  I intend to become a competent single handed sailor - which means I have to out think situations before they happen.  In my blog, I will share my thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations of my unwanted transition.  As unwanted as it may be, it is the way it is and I must find a way to make the best of life without Ron to physically help me, to encourage me, and to support me.  He was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best husband a woman could ever want.

A breath of life is withinn me and my direction is without a doubt toward the sea.