Second Anniversary

Today is the second anniversary of my husband's and best friend's passing.  Going through old emails, I discovered this poem that Ron had sent to me in 2006 - sent to him by his friend Lou, both retired members of the RCMP. 

Today I had every intention of being strong but it was not meant to be.  I will now embrace the day, think of Ron - as I do every day - and remember his tender love,  his gentle kiss and his loving embrace.  I miss his love, his laugh and his silly jokes.  I will continue to follow my dreams with the inspiration instilled by this amazing man.  I love you, Husband. 

THE FINAL INSPECTION
 
                            A policeman stood before his God,
                                As must always come to pass,
                            He hoped his boots were shining,
                                Just as brightly as his brass. 

                            "Step forward, now, policeman,
                                How shall I deal with you?
                            Have you always turned the other cheek?
                                To my church have you been true?"

                            The policeman squared his shoulders and
                                said "No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
                            'Cause those of us who carry guns
                                Can't always be a saint.

                            "I've had to work most Sundays,
                                And at times, my talk was tough,
                            And at times, I've been violent,
                                'Cause the world is awfully rough.

                            "But, I never took a penny
                                That wasn't mine to keep,
                            Though I worked a lot of overtime
                                When the bills got just too steep,

                            "And I never passed a cry for help
                                Though at times, I shook with fear.
                            And at times, God forgive me,
                                I've wept unmanly tears.

                           "I know I don't deserve a place
                                Among the people here.
                            They never wanted me around,
                                Except to calm their fears.

                            "If you've a place for me here, Lord,
                                It needn't be so grand.
                            In life, I didn't expect or need too much,
                                So if you don't, I'll understand."

                            There was silence all around the throne,
                                Where the saints had often trod,
                            As the policeman waited quietly
                                For the judgement of his God.

                            "Step forward now, brave officer,
                                You've born your burdens well.
                            Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
                                You've served you're time in Hell."

                                                                        -Author Unknown

BAM!

If I thought last term was busy with homework, this term is over the top!  I had to cancel my weekend with the kids in order to keep up.  This weekend alone I managed to complete at least four assignments and the required shooting for other projects due soon.  I also met with our Advanced Writing instructor to discuss the magazine that our WAP class is producing – Ethos Magazine.  It is going to be a load of work on top of our regular assignments.  I am wondering how students in the past have managed….

We also have a website that is up and running but under development.  In that website, I have a page with a bio and a picture.  Please visit my page and leave a comment.  (I am having a contest with my much younger classmates to get 50 comments on my page).  Send my blog to your friends so they can comment too!  You can find me at http://ethosmagazinewap.wordpress.com/janice-hayward/ 

• I have to say that this course, the projects, assignments and classmates have introduced me to more Victoria and new ideas.  Here is a bit of what I have been up to:
• Chinese New Year – first one I have ever attended
• Royals Hockey Game – didn’t see the game ‘cause I was shooting J
• Idle No More Protests – great messages and a lot to learn
• Rugby – classmate Ty Jones was playing
• Medical marijuana – sat in the smoking room doing a photo documentary
• First Nations Adult Learning – learning about bringing their language back
• Barbara Hodgson and the Great Northern Boater’s Net
• Afternoon Tea in Victoria
• Interviewing a man terminally ill with Asbestosis
• Learning about the importance of the drum to First Nations people.
• Learning from the greatest instructors in the field
• Visiting CBC radio station
• Understanding the running of radar on the Malahat
• Interviewing Chief Jamie Graham – VicPD
• Writing for Island Gals Magazine
• Published in Metchosin Muse
• Learning, learning, learning

Thank you all for your support!  I couldn’t do it without you.

Everything Is As It Should Be

Well, folks, I last posted in September.  Where have I been since then; so much to tell, so much to write.

I have no excuse for not writing but I do know that each and every time I thought of updating this blog tears would well up in my eyes as I know it would cause me to think of Ron and how much I have been missing him.  As I type, the tears are streaming down my face.  I have put it off too long so here goes …

The Western Academy of Photography

From September to December, my life has been the academy and homework.  If you think writing or photography at the professional level is easy — think again.  On the photography side of learning, it has been a very technical term:  f-stops, shutter speeds, depth of field, sharp focus, composition, colour, B&W, the Zone system and so much more.  Our writing homework has limited our time available to be out shooting and practicing our new information. 

On the writing side of learning it, too, has been a very technical term — newspaper writing, travel writing, grammar, queries, craft and style and so much more. 

I have been overjoyed with the assignments, the people I have met through interviews, and the amount of learning.  While it has been enjoyable it has bee a lot of work.

At one point of the term, I though I must have been mad to have signed up for such a grueling workload.  At one point of the term, I really thought I was no good at writing or photography at all. 

My relaxed schedule I had come accustomed to during the summer turned into a stretched-for-time schedule to meet project due dates.  I used to be in bed no later than 10:00PM now I am lucky to be in bed before midnight.  There were many tears of frustration; there were many tears of wondering if I was doing the right thing. 

I have missed Ron immensely.  He would have been here encouraging me; being my sounding board; carrying my books; and being my shooting buddy.  He would have been full of energy, enthusiasm and ideas for me.  I am missing that each and every day. 

What has kept me forging forward is that I want to offer some good to the world and to humanity with my new education and talents.  I do not know what that looks like yet, but I have no doubt it will unfold as the school year unfolds.  I do know Ron would be proud of me.

January 2013 brought with it a new round of courses at the academy.  While last term we dealt with writing, photography, data asset management and Photoshop, this term we are focusing on more photography, desktop publishing, business, advanced writing, magazine writing and multi-media.  Also this term we will be doing an internship and then be tasked with building a portfolio.  Whew!  So much to do, so little time.

Christmas & New Year’s Eve

I had a couple weeks off from my studies so I packed up the dog, camera gear and other necessary items to live in the Comox Valley for the Christmas Break. 

Did I mention that I was sick?  I had contracted a virus / bacterial infection last September.  It hung on until I was finally prescribed antibiotics on December 30^th.  The doctor described me as a recycling Petrie dish – I kept infecting myself so I never got better.  My energy was zapped for the past couple of months.  Happily, I feel much better.

Back to Christmas – thanks to Bill and Leanne, I was able to rent their loft (above the garage) for the duration of my stay.  Winston and I were very comfortable.  The grand kids came for a sleepover and many visits.  It was my home away from home and the best idea I have had for awhile.   

I enjoyed Christmas Eve with my cousin Tonia and her family, Christmas morning with Bill, Leanne and Gracie, then Christmas dinner at daughter Meghan’s house with her husband, my son Stewart and his girls.  It was a great day with lots of fun.

The next day was spent at my sister’s with her son and daughter-in-law and two kids visiting from Alaska.  The rest of the days were filled with activities, kids and a day of cross-country skiing with Meghan.

New Year’s Eve was spent at Chevy Chase Beach Cabins in Port Townsend, Washington.  I was invited by friends, Donna and Eddy, from the Comox Valley to join them.  It is Eddy’s brother who owns Chevy Chase.  It was a wonderfully relaxing place to ring in the New Year.  January 1 I scooted back to the Comox Valley for a couple more days before returning to Victoria for school.

Moving On

Yes, I have done many things since Ron passed away.  There are, however, a couple items I have not changed or done and that some people think I should have by now.  (I hope all that made sense.) 

Last November I decided that I would get our three rings made into one.  This made perfect sense and much more sense than having them sit in a jewelry or safety deposit box.  I search Victoria for the perfect goldsmith to work with me and to understand what these rings meant to me and to Ron.  The designer and goldsmith also had to understand that the new ring needed to be an item I would cherish the rest of my life on this earth.  I found Idar of idar jewellry on Fort Street.

I wore our rings until January 7.  They are now in the hands of Idar and will be transformed into another beautiful piece of jewellry.  It will be ready for me to wear on Feburary 13 – the anniversary of Ron’s passing.  I will celebrate this day for many reasons:  Ron, the transformation of our rings and the transformation of my life during the past two years. 

Joy

I realized today that spring is just around the corner and another cruising season is approaching.  This made my heart heavy.  It will be another cruising season without my partner in life.  I also realized that I have very little joy in my heart.  I feel that joy when I am with the kids and the grand-kids but for the most part it is absent.  It does not mean that I am unhappy; it just means I lack joy.  I just have to keep experimenting and searching and cherishing the joyful moments that come along. 

It also means that I need to examine myself and determine if I am blocking the joy.  I will admit that sometimes it does not feel right to be so happy when Ron is not with me — silly, eh?  Give me some time and I will work past it.  Perhaps my broken heart is in the mending stage.  Perhaps I am healing. 

One thing that does bring me joy is the thought of anther grandchild on the way.  My daughter Meghan is pregnant with her first.  May 11 is the due date.  We think it will be a girl, but that has not been confirmed.  My only dilemma is that this baby is due in May and I likely cannot be in the Comox Valley (due to my studies) for the first few weeks.  I will make up for it in July!  

Frazzled N Dazzled!

OMG!  It has been crazy but after reading my blog, have you known my life to be anything but crazy.  Crazy in a good way…

Since returning from Maui, I have been asked to keep two, yes, two secrets!  Come on people, it is me you are asking to zip the lips.  I admit… I bumbled on one of them but to whom I bumbled they are worlds apart from the owner of the secret.  What?  Not so you say… Six degrees of separation just might get me in trouble.  We will see over the next few months if it is true.

I have been up island to visit my kids and grands.  They are all doing great.  Grand kids are back to school!  What a fun and exciting time of year.  It does bring back memories for me.  Memories of how, on the first day of school, I would be sick to my stomach.  So what am I doing now… I am back in school.  Go figure.  I started at the Western Academy of Photography on September 5.  Photojournalism will be my new profession.  Yes, I was sick to my stomach however, the instructors and other students are amazing and I already feel like it is a good fit for me – even at my ripe old age of grandma.

The Western Academy of Photography, some call it Western for short.  Textbooks, computer hardware, computer software, camera equipment, websites, business cards, extra reading material, assignments, and event shooting to name a few items are all happening at the same time.  I am frazzled and dazzled.  Just last night I did feel somewhat organized and that is a good feeling for me.  Time management will be huge to stay on top of the expectations of the instructors and my personal expectations. 

First assignment – a photo scavenger hunt - with twenty-four items around Victoria that must be shot within a certain time frame.  I can do this!  The catch.  There is always a catch.  Only one shot per item is allowed.  Taking several shots with exposure alterations is not allowed.  Oh $h!t!  Copious amounts of hours, a tank of gas and much frustration brought the first part of the assignment to conclusion Sunday night.  Humbly, during these simple twenty-four shots I have learned so much about me, my Nikon D7000, my thought process, camera disks and even Victoria.  I have come to the conclusion that all my photos are lousy but there is no place to go but up.  I am here to learn and damn it, I will learn. 

It is no surprise that Ron was there with me.  The scavenger photos took me to several locations that Ron and I had frequented.  What was unexpected was the emotion that welled up and out as I strolled and pondered my next shot.  Cattle Point we had had a corn boil and hot dog picnic with Stew and Clare.  Oak Bay Marina is where Ron and I would walk the docks browsing boats or winter storm watch during strong southeasterlies.  Clover Point we used to frequent either running to train for a race or simply walking the dog to enjoy the view.  Even taking pictures on the grounds of the Legislature brought back sweet memories of my husband.  Here we would set up tripods and take evening shots of the lighted buildings.  The list goes on…

Yes, I am the oldest in the class and proud of it.  I am surrounded by youthful energy and refreshing points of view.  When in class there appears to be no age distinction.  OK, maybe when it comes to technology - the kids are much faster and much more knowledgable than me.  They happily lend a hand or tidbits of advice which I greatly appreciate. I say if you want to feel young, stay away from the old folks homes.  Surround yourself with youth!  They are a great bunch.

Apparently I can kiss my social life good-bye.  My time is spent shooting, writing, researching, managing my photos and soon I will add photo editing.  This is more than a full time job.   Am I happy?  Absolutely.  This is bliss. 

Stay tuned…. We will see if I feel the same after the instructor critiques.  For those that know me, thank you for your inspiration to continuing to take pictures and writing.  Let’s now see if the instructors agree with your sentiments of my work.  Better yet, I will be interested to see if you notice an improvement. 

Everything is right with my world!

A Leap of Faith

Many of you know by now that I made it home safe and sound from Maui.  I must tell you that in my heart I never believed the outcome would be otherwise however, during my preparations my mind told me to prepare for death, prepare for Winston to die, and believe that the kids would be OK without their mother.  Preparing for the aforementioned was my insurance that I would cheat death! 

Afternoon Watch 

I know, I know this is over the top dramatics for me.  Let me explain… often I will have fleeting thoughts about the what if scenarios.  In the days leading up to my departure for Hawaii, my little (and aged) fur baby, Winston, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  His health and his energy were rapidly declining.  My kids are going through their own transitions and on occasion they needed my motherly and sound advice – OK, it is I who thinks it is sound.

I praised the kids for all they have accomplished.   I reminded them that occasional changes in life are also opportunities to take a negative and turn it into a positive.  I reminded them that we never stop learning and we can always strive to be better and do better.  I am proud of my kids and knew they would be just fine without me. 

I was more worried about Winston than the kids.  Having said that, he was being left with my ever-faithful neighbours, Tim and Tara and I knew, without a shadow of doubt,  he would be in good hands no matter how grave his health.  The vet, Tim and Tara and I were all on the same page when it came to making choices for his care during my absence.

Now let me fill you in on the chain of events leading up to and during my adventure…

Mahi Mahi - Lunch and Dinner

In January 2012 I decided that I would like to cross an ocean by way of sailboat.  This decision satisfied three desires: 1) to test myself and stamina on a blue water voyage, 2) to fulfill a dream of both Ron and I and 3) to celebrate and honour my husband.  I discovered a sign up web page for sailors wanting to crew on a sailboat from Maui to Victoria.  These boats were also the same boats racing from Victoria to Maui in July 2012.  Within a few weeks I received a telephone call and an invitation to crew.

Once I established a home for Winston during my absence (which only took a few days) I accepted a position aboard Red Heather, a 40’ Olson.  I had neither met the skipper nor had I toured the boat.  This was truly a leap of faith and it felt so right.  To top it off, most of the crew did not know each other before departing Maui; it was me and six guys.

Red Heather raced to Maui July 7^th to 21^st – 14 days.  They proudly placed 3^rd in their class.  I arrived in Maui on July 25^th.  There was very little time to be a tourist.  We, our crew of seven were slated to leave on July 29^th.  To prepare we needed to develop a menu and meal plan.  From this plan we created a shopping list and subsequently shopped til we dropped.  Costco Maui and Safeway were happy to see us.  Fifteen hundred dollars later we had the essentials to keep a crew happy with healthy and tasty food for 28 days.  Not to be overlooked was an abundance of water for hydration.  Next, came the storage and listing of all food items aboard Red Heather.

While in Maui I was physically involved in the preparation activities however my mind was still detached from the reality that I would be stepping aboard this vessel and sailing home.  I was very much in a ‘pinch me, is this real?’ state of mind.

It really hit me that we were leaving Maui when we left the dock.  I shed tears of joy for me and for Ron.  He was right there with me.  As we were leaving, the crew that raced down saw us off with wishes for fair winds and Devon played his bagpipes in our honour.  The send off was surreal. 

Squall Ahead

While I had claimed my sleeping space before heading out, I had not organized my things.  I just could not go below for fear of missing the diminishing views of Maui and Molokai.  These two islands were nothing less than a profusion of green foliage rising out of the agitated, blue Pacific Ocean.  The wind was blowing 20+ knots and the seas were vigorous.  We had hoisted a small head sail and put two reefs in the main.

Believe it or not, I found myself not feeling well.  What the heck?  I couldn’t be getting sick.  Or could I?  Yep, heave, vomit, puke, retch; I was not well.  Seasick, the malaise, nausea, queasy; call it what you want, it was not pleasant. The throwing up lasted only a few hours.  I was green around the gills for three days before a feeling of normal returned to my body and mind.  I could not take pictures nor could I write in my journal.  I managed to use the head (bathroom), sleep, get dressed, and sit outside during my watch.  My watch buddies, Jack and Ian made sure that I was fed and hydrated.  Of the crew members, four suffered through the malaise.  I was fortunate as I got off easy compared to the others.

Red Heather was not a luxury cruiser.  She is a racer.   We had no canvas outside to protect us from the elements.  To steer we used a tiller rather than a steering wheel, something that I had to learn as it is not intuitive.  Of the crew, five were racers.  We changed sails as often as the wind changed.  We had no less than eleven sails to choose from.  Up down, up down, up down.  We were a well-oiled team in no time. 

Our crew made up three teams; John and Gary, Brian and Damien and me, Jack and Ian.  Our day consisted of five watches: 6 PM to 10PM, 10PM to 2 AM, 2 AM to 6 AM, 6 AM to Noon and Noon to 6 PM.  This schedule allowed all teams to cycle through all watches.  It worked very well.  I must say except for daylight and darkness, I paid very little attention to the time.  We slept all hours of the day and night.  We slept as much as necessary to be alert on our watch.

Shortly after leaving Maui and especially after losing sight of land, it became very apparent that nothing much mattered except keeping the boat afloat, ensuring our progress was towards Victoria, and the crew was safe at all times.  I do believe my biggest fear was falling overboard on a moonless cloudy night with high winds.  If any one of us went over and became detached  from Red Heather, it would be a miracle if we could be found and retrieved.  

Cleaning and cooking chores were shared by all.  We just stepped up when something needed doing.  I was responsible for reporting scheduled information to the Maui-Victoria boaters net.  Each day at 5 PM (except at the beginning when I was sick) I compiled our coordinates, wind speed, wind direction and debris.  This information was then shared on the net at 6 PM every night.  While we rarely saw other boats, there were several returning to BC after the race.

Safely Home

This journey was as much about Ron as it was for me. Prior to leaving I was at a loss as to how I would celebrate my husband on the wide and open ocean.  Ron and I have a profound Hawaiian history:  we renewed our wedding vows in Hawaii, Ron was cremated with his Hawaiian wedding ring, and his ashes were spread in the ocean off Oahu.  Mere hours before leaving Victoria for Maui I discovered our love-fill Hawaiian wedding vows that had been tucked away.  I crafted my plan… half way, between Maui and Victoria, I placed my Hawaiian wedding ring over our scrolled wedding vows. I then, with great love, joy and respect, committed my ring and our vows to Ron and the vast Pacific Ocean.  Our vows, bound by my wedding ring, floating on the sapphire ocean surface and disappearing into the wake of our vessel is a vision forever etched in my mind.

We arrived in Victoria on August 15^th.  We had been at sea for seventeen days.

Ron always told me it was about the journey and not the destination.  For me, this passage was about both.  The journey caused me to soul search and to recognize strengths and weaknesses.  It was a personal journey.  I discovered that I like ocean passages, I can do it and I will do it again.  I celebrated my amazing husband and by reaching our destination I realized our dream that we had shared for many, many years.