Remembering Ron On February 13th.

I cannot believe it has been a year since my Ron, my beloved husband left us for his new life.

I can believe, during this past year, he has been with me the whole time.   

What do you do on the anniversary of the death of a loved one?  I had to ask myself that question several times.  Each time, nothing appropriate came to mind.  It is not an occasion for celebration.  I also felt that I would require some time alone.  As the great universe would have it, I was sick.  Was it a coincidence?  Not sure.  What I do know is that I needed to drag my sorry butt out of bed and get some fresh air.  Thank goodness for Tylenol.  I got dressed and headed to Sooke.  In Sooke I purchased fresh and beautiful red tulips with rich black centres.  Winston and I were now on our way to Botanical Beach.  The road to Port Renfrew was just what I needed – deserted.  I encountered few.  The beach was the same – perfect.  The sun shone, the waves were crashing and the tide was barely out, but out far enough for me to write in the sand.  When we travelled we did this often.  I then took the flowers and threw them into a raging tidal pool.  They were instantly swept away, just as I wanted.  Winston and I then basked in the sun and allowed ourselves to get lost in the roar and pounding of the waves.  We were one with Ron.  It was a time for sweet and loving memories.  It was a time to just be;  Ron, Winston and me.

I want to thank all of you who texted, emailed and telephoned to let me know that you too, in your own way, were remembering Ron on February 13.


The following song is from one of Ron's favourite artists.  Click the link to listen.

A White Sandy Beach - please listen, enjoy and remember.

Aloha, my love

February So Far

February has so far been a rough couple of weeks.  Without going into details, I have had to face an appeal board of three doctors.  The days leading up to February 6 were agonizing.  To prepare for the appeal I was forced to re-live my journey with Ron and his cancer.   Further, I was also pushed to face my weaknesses during my journey through my grieving process.  The doctors asked questions for three full hours.  Needless to say I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  I retreated to my Volvo.

There I gathered myself before heading out.  As I drove down the lane – flanked by parking on both sides – some lady backed out and hit my shiny Volvo – smack in the middle of the front bumper.  I could not believe it.  I just could not believe it.  Out I climbed.  She said to me, “Where did you come from?”  Then she said, “I think this accident is 50/50.”  I said, “I don’t think so.”  We exchanged names, contact info and I noted her license plate number.  I am happy to say she did contact me and we are sorting through the repairs.

I got word from my marina that I could move Ta Daa home to Westbay on Feb 10.  That was good news for me and Winston.  I had to wait for a rising tide and was home by 1 PM.  It took some time to securely and properly tie up.  Next, Winston and I walked back to Victoria to get the Volvo.  On the way I started to feel unwell.  Hmmm this gurgling tummy is unusual but I was sure it was just a gas bubble working its way through.  I thought wrong.  I no sooner had returned to the boat and I was violently ill.  This went on far too long.  I could barely get out of bed the next day to walk my little fur baby.  Sunday was a bit better but I found it difficult to even drink water.  Thank goodness it passed and its wake left me with headaches for a couple of days.  

The Rest Of January...

Was uneventful, that is, until January 22.  I had gone up island on my flex Friday and chose to stay only one night.  Winston and I trundled home on Saturday, arriving about seven.   I warmed the boat, hunkered down with a nip of scotch and lavished in the thought that I could sleep in the next day.  It seemed like it would be the first sleep in for weeks.  I was due.  

As a live aboard, your hearing becomes more acute. Before the sun came up, I could hear the wind starting to blow.  Soon after I could hear and feel the effects.  The wind was out of the east.  That means for me the wind was blowing from the direction of the inner harbor and hitting me on the port beam.  I was being blown off the dock.  No before you jump to conclusions I was not being blown away but my lines were being stretched to the maximum.  I often checked the space between me and my closest neighbour.  We have no dock finger between us.  There was little room.  I put out fenders in the event we came close enough to touch.

I checked the wind speed at Ogden Point.  As boaters we learn to understand wind speed in knots.  A knot is about 1.8 km/hr.  Before coffee it was time to check what is going on outside.  At 8 AM  it was crazzzzzzy!  Waves were pounding my other neighbour’s boat into the dock with waves crashing over his deck.  As a result our dock finger was taking a beating.  I added extra lines to my boat.  I chatted to another neighbor for a bit then decided it was time to go inside.  Winston and I would not be going for the intended 6 km walk.  As I turned to head to my boat I realized that the line had pulled so tight it broke the 2X4 railing.  Then I noticed that the dock was breaking up from underneath.  The wind peaked at 56.8 knots!  One of my cleats that I was tied to was twisting sideways.  It was as if all HELL was breaking loose.  What could go wrong was going wrong!

This brought new and unfamiliar fears.  I was worried that the loose boards would find their way into the hull of my boat.   I was compelled to report the current happenings to the owner.  He came down for a first hand look.  With a little help from my friends, we did some fancy lashing to secure my dock finger to the main dock.  We also secured my boat to the main dock and to the piling.  The fear was that my boat finger would further break up in the storm.  I stayed aboard for the afternoon and early evening.  For safety reasons, Winston and I stayed overnight at our neighbour’s float home.  The next day it was decided that I would move Ta Daa to the inner harbor while my dock finger was rebuilt and reinforced with angle iron.  While it was a treat to be in the harbor, three weeks was a long time away from my home port.    

January 5, 2012

On this day I got up as usual.  Headed into work as usual.  Turned on my computer as usual.  Put my iPhone on the docking station as usual.  First one, then another.  Happy Birthday.  My daughter send me a text – a very happy and cheery birthday text.  A co-worker brought a little gift, a hug and birthday greetings.  Soon after I fell apart.

I had told myself when I arose in the morning that this was just another day.  Nothing special.  You see, if I pretended it was nothing, it was not my birthday I would get through it.  My strategy did not work. 

Having managed to pull myself together for the afternoon, after supper I headed to my boating course.  Little did I know that my friends at the course remembered and we celebrated with baby cupcakes and a few tears.  When I got home my daughter, in cahoots with my neighbours, had flowers delivered to the boat.  To all who shared your love, thank you.  I know in my heart and soul that Ron thanks you too.

Growing up my birthday was not a big deal and often forgotten.  My reason for acceptance is that it was so soon after Christmas and New Year celebrations.  Ron changed all of that.  The two of us would have a celebration of my choice and sometimes Ron’s choice.  When I turned 50 he took me to Disneyland.  By the time we got there he had Customs Officers singing Happy Birthday and flight attendants serving us free wine. 

I saved the card that Ron gave me last year.  I have read it over and over - the sentiment is eternal.  

The outside front shows a picture of two people walking hand in hand along a path.  Above the picture it reads:

My Wife…

Below the picture:

I can’t imagine

a more wonderful partner

than you to share

this life with…

Next page:

My friend…

Thank you

for letting me be me,

for loving me as I am,

and understanding me

So well…

Inside:

My love…

forever

and always

my heart belongs

to you (and he added in his pen) and you alone

Happy Birthday

Then he penned:

Janice words cannot say or express my feelings for you and how much I love you.  Nor can I attempt to express my thoughts and feelings as we move beyond today.  But we shall as it is us.  Happy Birthday to the woman of my dreams, my everything and my LOVE!

Now, always and forever

Ron xoxoxoxoxo

A New Year

Reluctantly, Winston and I drove away from Tofino.  We soon put  a smile on our faces knowing we are heading to the Comox Valley.  I have mentioned in an earlier post that I have a house that is undergoing renovations.  I will save that story for another post.  Heading to the Valley will allow me time with my family and the house renos.  More importantly this is where I am spending my first New Year’s Eve without Ron.  Let me digress.

The first New Year that Ron and I ever shared we played a game of crib.  This game of crib was a tradition for every year after.  The consequence of winning or losing  the game would last the entire year… until the next New Year game.  The winner could boast decision-making rights for one full year.  Let me clarify.  The winner did not make every decision just the ones where we could not make a decision; when we were unsure, hesitant, ambivalent, indecisive.  You get the picture.  Someone had to make a decision.  It came to rest on the winner’s shoulders.  The other could walk away and say ‘it’s your year, Honey”. 

We never kept track over the years how many Ron won or how many I won.  I will say that I used to tease Ron that it was clear when he won – the year we bought our first boat, the year we bought our second boat, the year we bought our third boat.  Again, you get the picture.  I never regretted Ron’s decisions.  I trusted him utterly and absolutely. 

Back to New Year’s Eve in the Comox Valley.  I had been working at the house all day, oblivious what day it was.  Off to Home Depot I go before heading to my sister’s for and evening of food and movies.  It was on the way to HD that I just out of the blue started sobbing.  I just realized how different this evening was going to be to the 15 previous New Year Eves.  I also knew that I had to pull it together before going to my sisters as the evening would have turned into a cry fest and that is the last thing I wanted or that Ron would have wanted. 

Once in Home Depot, I understood I was here for more than supplies.  Ron used to call Home Depot the happiest place on earth (next to Disney).  He would wonder the aisles marveled at all the items and wondering which ones he could possibly need.  

The people in HD must have wondered who the teary eyed woman was wandering the aisles.  I wept and I moseyed for a good half hour just looking but seeing nothing  It is amazing where you can find comfort -  Home Depot of all places.  I paid for my measly choice of supplies and made my way to a new New Year – albeit quiet – celebration. 

Happy New Year to all of you -   may it bring you health, happiness and dreams come true.

A Stormy Peace

Tofino has been experiencing some of its highest tides of the year.  The tides have been high at mid day.  Not only have the tides been high, the winds have been predicted to be 35 knots plus.  For those of you not familiar with knots, for a rough estimate just double and you will get the idea of the wind speed. 

Stormy Tofino; peaceful Janice.  I know many of you have been concerned that I wanted to be alone for Christmas.  Let me assure you, while there has been emotion and tears, it was the perfect decision for me.  Visiting places where Ron and I have been together brings me peace.  It is therapeutic – really it is - for it also develops my strength and evaporates the blur from my psyche. 

I arrived on December 23.  My neighbours Tim and Tara arrived on December 24.  They are staying in the building next to mine.  We shared Christmas Eve dinner at Tim and Tara’s while catching up.  While we are neighbours at the same dock, because of winter, darkness and our personal schedules, we have rarely seen each other since September.  We have to text to stay in touch.  So, to be in each other’s company was great.

Christmas morning, I was fortunate enough to be visited by one of Santa’s elfs.  His name is TME (pronounced Timmy).  Remarkably, he looked a lot like my neighbor Tim.  TME delivered a Christmas stocking filled with delightful surprises for Winston and me.  As Tim and Tara have a deluxe suite, Winston and I trundled off for a Christmas breakfast of Eggs Benny and then a walk on Cox Bay beach in a fine winter storm.  We are all sailors so we have the gear to stay warm and dry.  

In the afternoon we retreated to our respective units for a rest.  I also had volunteered to bring the turkey so my afternoon task was to stuff and cook Tom.  While Thomas T Turkey was filing my unit was aroma de turkey, we went for another walk on the beach.  Let me add here that Winston is enjoying our space as much if not more than I.  As I type he is in a full on snore from many long beach and trail walks.

Dinner was delicious and plentiful; turkey, stuffing, cranberries and vegetables.  We pushed ourselves away from the table with not a speck of space in our bellies for a morsel more.

Today, we had plans to once again breakfast together but not surprising, we were still stuffed from last night.  Winston and I headed to Ucluelet  to the Wild Pacific Trail for a coastal walk.  I also took the opportunity to explore some of the other beaches.  Let me say that while the sun is not shining, everything at this time of year is as spectacular as the warm spring and summer weather.  I highly recommend you come for a visit. 

Sadly tomorrow we must leave.  I will trundle off to the Comox Valley to visit my kids, grand daughters, dad and sister as well as other family members.  Happy holidays!

My Last Christmas Card

When Ron and I would purchase cards for each other the words were very important for it.  A card that stated something that we did not feel in our heart was not good enough.  If we couldn’t find the perfect card then we would purchase a blank card and write our own message. 

Ron always picked a card that always had the word WIFE front and centre.  He loved calling me his wife – not in a possessive way but in a kind, loving and protective way.

Ron, in pain with cancer and knowing his days were finite, chose this card for me.

The envelope has my name written as Ron would – Janice – with a little backhand slant.  Ron is left handed.  Ron did not simply dot the i, he drew a little heart above it.  The card itself is red and white on the front.  The picture in the centre has subtle overtones of Christmas.  It quite simply a bouquet of white roses with sprigs of red buds tastefully arranged in a red vase.  The words on the front – above the picture  read 

For my WIFE 

and below the picture  

I Love Our Life Together

Inside the paper is a tone off white with a red border.  On the inside left hand side the heartfelt and undying words are:

I feel so good about us…

When I think about

all we’ve come through together –

the problems we’ve solved

and the challenges we’ve met

I honestly feel

that we make a perfect team.

I believe we were meant

to find each other,

and when we finally did,

there was absolutely no doubt

that our lives would change forever…

and they have.

On the right hand side:

You’ve touched my heart

in ways

no one else ever could,

and I will love you

until the end of time.

Merry Christmas

And Ron wrote:

My Darling Wife

I love you so very much, now, always and forever.

We shall sail those seas!

All my love,

Ron

xoxo

My wish for you is to discover the love that Ron and I shared.  Dare to love so deeply for it is worth it.  Yes, if one of you has to move on to the next life before the other, we pay the price of agonizing grief.  Know that you will be OK.  I am.  To have been loved so deeply by my husband is something that no one can take away from me. 

Merry Christmas from Tofino