My Last Christmas Card

When Ron and I would purchase cards for each other the words were very important for it.  A card that stated something that we did not feel in our heart was not good enough.  If we couldn’t find the perfect card then we would purchase a blank card and write our own message. 

Ron always picked a card that always had the word WIFE front and centre.  He loved calling me his wife – not in a possessive way but in a kind, loving and protective way.

Ron, in pain with cancer and knowing his days were finite, chose this card for me.

The envelope has my name written as Ron would – Janice – with a little backhand slant.  Ron is left handed.  Ron did not simply dot the i, he drew a little heart above it.  The card itself is red and white on the front.  The picture in the centre has subtle overtones of Christmas.  It quite simply a bouquet of white roses with sprigs of red buds tastefully arranged in a red vase.  The words on the front – above the picture  read 

For my WIFE 

and below the picture  

I Love Our Life Together

Inside the paper is a tone off white with a red border.  On the inside left hand side the heartfelt and undying words are:

I feel so good about us…

When I think about

all we’ve come through together –

the problems we’ve solved

and the challenges we’ve met

I honestly feel

that we make a perfect team.

I believe we were meant

to find each other,

and when we finally did,

there was absolutely no doubt

that our lives would change forever…

and they have.

On the right hand side:

You’ve touched my heart

in ways

no one else ever could,

and I will love you

until the end of time.

Merry Christmas

And Ron wrote:

My Darling Wife

I love you so very much, now, always and forever.

We shall sail those seas!

All my love,

Ron

xoxo

My wish for you is to discover the love that Ron and I shared.  Dare to love so deeply for it is worth it.  Yes, if one of you has to move on to the next life before the other, we pay the price of agonizing grief.  Know that you will be OK.  I am.  To have been loved so deeply by my husband is something that no one can take away from me. 

Merry Christmas from Tofino

Christmas In Tofino

I knew in October and after Thanksgiving that I needed to do something about Christmas.  Something for me meant extracting myself from the usual social events.  I knew in my heart that I would not cope well.  I knew in my heart I needed to get past this occasion and calendar date somewhere where I could pretend it was not Christmas.  Tofino would be the perfect location.  Ron love Tofino, the seclusion, the beaches and the quiet.

My neighbours, Tim and Tara, knowing that I have Winston, suggested Pacific Sands Resort.  When explored online and satisfied by telephone conversation I knew it was the perfect place for me.  Not long after I booked I received a text message from Tara.  “Do you mind if Tim and I are in Tofino for Christmas? “  “Absolutely not.”  I replied.  Do you mind if we stay at Pacific Sands too?”  “Absolutely not.”  I replied.

Winston and I left on the morning of December 23, yesterday in fact.  I had predetermined that I would take my time – for my sake and for Winston.  Lots of stops were in order.

As I drove through Duncan it came to me that I could call Karen in Ladysmith.  Let me first say, I have never met Karen.  Are you scratching your head?  Karen and I have so much in common.  We have a mutual friend, we both live aboard, we both maintain blogs and we both lost our husbands in 2011.  Karen, if you are reading this, forgive me if my words bring tears to your eyes. 

My friend Cecilia suggested Karen and I touch base.  My friend Leanne was concerned that I would be connecting with a Negative Nellie and it would drag me down.  Our connection has been anything but negative.  In fact, I feel as though we have been friends for years the only twist is that we never met each other’s husband.

On January 5, 2010 there was the unfortunate event of a fire at the docks in Ladysmith.  Karen’s husband, coincidently, suffered from a heart defect.  While docks were burning and propane tanks were exploding, Jean-Luc collapsed on the dock.  He never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at the hospital.  Karen, like me, has an incredible amount of friends and neighbours who support her.  Our stories only contrast in how our husbands died.  Thirty-nine days after Jean-Luc died, Ron left our world for the next.  The difference is I knew Ron was leaving me. 

Oddly, when Karen reads my blog, she tells me I could be writing her story.  I am sure now that it does not matter how one dies or if we know death is imminent the pain for those of us left behind is similar.

Let me tell you, Karen is a delightful person.  I feel in my heart that we will have an ongoing friendship no matter where in the world we find ourselves.  Believe it or not, Karen is not much taller than me, she too has some gray hair, her glasses are similar shape and we dress similar.  Neither one of us wants to be negative or depressed; we are doers and will find our way.  Karen, thank you for being home, thank you for meeting me. 

After leaving Ladysmith I made my way to Coombs.  I could not resist their fresh baked bread and of course, a spanakopita to eat on the way.  Off we were again to Tofino.  The roads were bare with very little snow in Sutton Pass.  Once checked in to Pacific Sands, Winston and I strolled the beach.  The rest of the day was peaceful and uneventful.

There is an old Norwegian proverb – There is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.  Tofino constantly tests that proverb.  Today was no exception.  Today it was pouring rain.  The prediction was for 20 mm. Winston and I strolled the streets of Tofino then headed back to our suite on the beach.  Shortly after we dressed for the weather then explored and walked the thunderous beach once again.  I cannot let Winston off leash.  He is too deaf to hear me calling, especially in the roaring of the waves. 

Tim and Tara arrived early afternoon and settled into their suite.  I was invited for a fine Christmas Eve dinner of manicotti, Caesar salad and fine wine. 

Tomorrow is Christmas.  One year ago Ron gave me a Christmas card.  I could not open it.  I flat out refused.  I knew it would be the last Christmas card I ever received from my husband, my friend, my love.  I was not brave enough to open it, even for Ron.  I have kept the card at my bedside the entire year.  Tomorrow I will open it.  I will be reading the last coherent message that Ron wrote in his own hand.  I must say that at this moment as I write I am teary eyed, I am apprehensive.  Ron knew too, it would be his last Christmas card to me.  I can only imagine how he was feeling or what he was thinking.  Tomorrow I shall see.   Tomorrow will be Christmas in Tofino.

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus

Ron loved this saying.  He believed.  Ron loved everything Christmas.  He played his Christmas music all year.  He loved all the Christmas classic movies like Miracle on 34^th Street, Scrooge and Polar Express.   When we lived in our house he started a Santa collection and had always wanted a snow glove collection.  Living aboard was not the ideal time to enhance or start any Christmas collections.

Heck one year Ron purchased the 'fireplace' dvd so we would have a crackling warm fire on the boat for Christmas dinner.  That's my Ron!

Candles were also a big part of Ron’s life.  He was the romantic of the two of us.  There never needed to be a reason to light and enjoy the soft glow of a candle.  It was romantic and so was my husband.

It occurred to me that if I was going to enjoy Christmas in any way I had to incorporate and keep alive the spirit of Ron.  I stretched my brain to come up with a solution that felt so right it would put a smile on my face and fill my heart with joy.

First, there is the challenge every year of making Christmas possible for those less fortunate.  Ron and I have always been generous to each other all year.  I took time to write a heartfelt but brief note in a card to explain how this donation came about.  Then I took the amount that I would have spent on Ron put it in the card and donated it to Santa’s Anonymous through CFAX Radio Victoria.  This was all I needed to get started.  The next idea just appeared.  It was what to do for our kids, Stewart, Meghan, Kirsten and Ryan. 

In the spirit of Ron I knew exactly what I would get them.  Unbeknownst to me, the first step was far more difficult than I could ever have imagined.  Simply put, I could not go to the Mayfair Mall.  I drove around and around and around then drove away.  I could not bring myself to park and shop.  I had intended to shop at the newly created Christmas store. 

In the meantime, it was agreed that I would have Christmas with Stew (and family) and Meghan (and husband Blair) on December 10 in the Comox Valley.  I would celebrate with Kirsten and Ryan at a later date in Victoria.  This would work!  I was excited but now I really had to go into the mall.  In I go.  Good on me.  Out I went.  I could not bring myself to go into the Christmas store.  As anxiety set in, I bolted. 

Time was running out; the tenth was drawing near.  Into the store I go.  My goal was to purchase four Christmas snow globes; one for each of our kids.  This was the spirit of Ron coming alive at Christmas.  I stepped into the store and simultaneously the tears started to flow.  I sobbed and sobbed.  My vision was bleary.  I forced myself to walk around the store no less than three times to ensure that I had noticed every snow globe so I could pick four.  It did not happen.  I once again abruptly left empty handed. 

I had seen what I wanted I just had to muster up the courage to carry through.  On the morning of December  9^th I had no choice.  One day before our Christmas I mustered up the courage, marched in and objectively made the purchases.  There, the first step was done.  It only took three or four tries. 

Next, I purchased each of the kids a Christmas music CD – something Ron would have liked.  And then, I purchased each of them a pillar beeswax candle.  This gift was all Ron.  His spirit will live on at the homes of our children.  Needless to say, tears were shed when I explained the significance of their gift. 

From the kids, for their gifts to me, early in December I had requested they give to others less fortunate so those children could have a Christmas. The joy of giving temporarily released my heart from the pain of my loss.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. 

November 2011

November has been a month of mixed emotions.  In fact, I could easily say that the six weeks starting November 1 have been hell. I started back to work.  The routine has been excruciating.  The routine makes me feel like I am in prison and it is just another reminder Ron is not with me. We shared each moment of the mornings until he kissed me good-bye outside my work building.  Then he would meet me at the end of the day and we would walk home together.  

It has been great to be surrounded by so many supportive people.  Having said that, there have been countless challenges and changes.  Many people have left our branch for one reason or another.  None of these departures were expected – meaning I never expected them nor were there rustlings or rumours. 

For me, this has been a year of emotions being close to the surface.  It takes very little for the tears to flow.  The loss of some of my workmates has been just that – another loss in my life.  It takes a period of time for me to process this loss and park it where it belongs.  I am not sure if I am doing a good job of that but I soldier onwards.

My body let me down health wise.  My headspace was nothing but fog.  My thyroid was out of whack, my blood sugar was high and I had bronchitis.  I was so tired and without fail the headaches emerged every day.  Marry my physical self with the emotional self and I was a mess.  Would it ever end?  And Christmas is coming…

It was not until the week of December 12 did I feel I was getting some energy back.

Christmas has been another challenge for me.  In all honesty there were times when I just wanted to drop the F bomb and say F $%&K Christmas but in my heart of hearts and my little Ron voice told me this was wrong.  What to do did not come easy.  I struggled with reliving Thanksgiving, which was very difficult for me, and finding a compromise so the kids did not feel like I just gave up.  I also did not want to ignore Christmas as it was Ron’s favourite time of year.  Thinking Christmas, listening to Christmas and seeing Christmas pop up around Victoria and the office was paralyzing me.  Christmas was coming whether I liked it or not.