I Promised

Before Ron moved on I gently looked him in the eye and without a tear I promised him that I would be OK.  He smilied and said, “I know you will.  I know you.”

Perhaps that is why I put myself into situations that are emotionally painful.  Example – going to Filberg Lodge near our anniversary date. Also being in the company of friends who are celebrating their anniversaries.  I have come to believe that if I go headstrong into this grieving process it will be quick and painless.  After all, I am Janice.  I will get through it.  I have learned over and over that it just doesn’t work that way.   

I have also come to a new understanding of why I had children.  They have been pivotal in getting me through the past week in Comox.  I spend a lot of time with son Stewart and his family and a lot of one on one time with daughter Meghan.  I also understand why a surviving spouse will migrate to their kids or grands.  No, I am not ready to move to Comox (no liveaboards allowed).  Truth is, I just do not know where I want to live.  Ta Daa is my home so where ever she is docked, I am home.

I am in Lund, BC.  Gateway to Desolation Sound.  Perhaps I am heading for more misery.  Ron and I have spent time in Desolation Sound and I will be revisiting some of our favourite spots.  I will also be visiting some new locations.  Get this; if I visit favourite locations I get teary because of memories we shared there.  If I visit new locations I get teary because Ron should be there to share the beauty, peace and adventure with me.  It is a no win situation so I just barrel through. 

 

I am fortunate on this trip to Desolation.  Some friends (three boats) are heading this way as I type.  We will meet up this afternoon and head for Tenedos Bay. 

Something funny happened last night.  I actually picked up the camera.  Not to record fun family times but to actually take photographs.  It felt good.  I felt at peace with it.  Maybe, just maybe, this is one more little step to being OK.  I promised, you know.

An Eleven Letter Word

Anniversary. 

Did I ever tell you that Ron, in our fourteen and a half years together never denied me of anything?  Even if we were broke, he would say, “It’s OK, we can do it.”  “If you really like it, get it.”  Or better yet, if he knew I really liked something but resisted for whatever reason, he would eventually come home with it. 

On Sunday I was at the Filberg Festival with Stew, Clare, Leanne, Bill and the kids.  This is the very same location where Ron and I married, August 16, 1997.  We truly married out of love and want for each other rather than need.  We never fought.  We had a lovely and respectful way of communicating to working things out. 

I kept my emotions in check as we strolled the grounds and admired the craftsmanship presented.  It was not until near the end when Leanne introduced me to some beautiful beaded bracelets and I heard the word anniversary did I start to lose it – subtly.  I headed over to the food booth and stood in line with Clare for some noodles.  After noodles it was time to go but not before looking at the bracelets one more time.  I got chatting to the creator, Stephanie, and decided I might like a bracelet.  My small wrists warranted a bracelet to be custom made.  I told her I would think about it.  What was going through my head was ‘anniversary’.   If Ron were here he would have been purchasing this beautiful piece of art for me.  We would be celebrating another year of bliss.  The reality set in.  I had to leave. 

By the time I got back to the boat, I was so bent out of shape with emotion; anguish, self-pity and sorrow to say the least, that I could not control the tears and weeping.  One thought led to another I just kept getting deeper and deeper into this emotional pit.  Therapy was needed.  I pulled myself together in the evening and opened a bottle of red wine and toasted Ron realizing that this month will bring the six month anniversary of Ron’s passing, our 14^th wedding anniversary and the first anniversary of Ron’s cancer diagnosis.  These dates are August 13^th, 16^th  and 19^th.  Yes, I have more red wine on board. 

The next morning I wake and think thank goodness it is a new day.  Out I go to walk Winston and the tears just started flowing again.  Unstoppable they were.  I did not meet friends and family for the parade.  Again, I could not pull myself together.  I told myself this has to stop.  While I am telling myself this, everything I read says to let it happen, let it pass.  It is part of the process. 

As a result, I cleaned and cleaned.  The cockpit is spotless.  Also as a result, I have come to believe that for now, ANNIVERSARY is a FOUR letter word.  Ask me next year how I feel.  

Friends + Family = FUN

While the thoughts come and go, I do have a lot of fun.  Just look at the title.  With my friends and family how could I NOT have some fun.

Following Meghan and Blair’s wedding I had an emotionally agonizing week.  You could say it was an extraordinary time for me.  Off to the doctor, off to the counselor I go.  Take more time they say. 

June 20 I found myself on my way on Ta Daa to Wallace Island.  I even pulled the head sail out for a while.  There I met up with neighbours Tim and Tara.  It was also my first time anchoring and stern tying.  It was not a pretty site.  I am one hundred percent sure that I, with Tim’s help, entertained the whole of Princess Cove.  Anchor set and stern tied it was time to take Winston to shore.  Tim and Tara came along.  They were my tour guides.  Together, in the two days we had at Wallace Island we must have walked an easy 10K.  They introduced me to the ‘store’, which is no longer a store but a cabin where people decorate autograph a piece of driftwood and hang it for the next visitors to view. 

After Wallace Island, I made my way to Ganges.  No it was not Mouat’s or the Saturday market calling me, it was a 90^th birthday celebration for Bud Friele.  He is the most remarkable man you will have ever met.  I had the honour of meeting his five daughters and the honour of capturing the event on camera.  Happy 90^th Bud!

I was in Ganges for two nights then moved Ta Daa to Mom and Bud’s dock on the west side of Salt Spring just north of Vesuvius.  There I stayed one night before heading to Nanaimo via Dodd Narrows.

In Nanaimo I stayed at Newcastle Island on a mooring buoy.  I have the routine down pat for coming up to and hooking a mooring buoy singlehanded.  It works well if the ring on the mooring buoy is not caked with muscles and does not rise to my level on Ta Daa.  Thankfully chivalry is alive in Mark Bay!  A fellow in his dinghy lent a hand in two ways.  First he announced that I was trying to hook a buoy for 30’ or less.  He scouted out a 40’ buoy and passed my line through the ring.  Yes, I am 45’ but what’s an extra few feet.  Thank you, nice man!

Monica Mayhew came for a walk around Newcastle with me and Winston.  What I thought was going to be a gentle but energizing walk turned out to be an adventure with Monica.  Who sticks to trails when you have the whole beach and monster rocks on a rising tide.  We pooped poor Winston.  He kept reminding us that he is 80 in dog years.  Monica kept saying that he had four legs to our two.  Three and a half hours later we were on Ta Daa enjoying a nice cold Strongbows.  Later that evening Ron and Monica joined me for potluck dinner.  Thanks you two.  I always enjoy your company while in Nanaimo!

My theory on wind predictions is as follows:  if they say it will blow 5 to 15 then I expect it to be 0 to 20 knots.  I never leave port if the prediction is for 20 because I expect it to blow up to 25.  Wednesday morning proved me right.  Prediction for up to 15 and when I poked my nose out of Departure Bay it was gusting to 20.  Winston and I had a pow wow as to whether to continue or turn back.  Ron and I always checked the weather stations before leaving and during trips to grasp the trends.  I do the same.  The winds on this day were trending downwards towards Sisters Islet and Chrome Island – just where I was headed – to Deep Bay.

With the wind on my nose we took a few waves over the bow.  Good thing I closed the forward hatch or the forward bunk would have been swamped.  Too much wind for sailing for this skipper.  As expected, I pulled into Deep Bay around 1630 in much calmer winds – on the nose – but much calmer.  It is a friendly little community and I would have stayed another night but the Comox Valley was calling. 

I arrived in Comox on Thursday afternoon, made a few phone calls then relaxed.   OK OK, I cannot tell a lie.  I walked up to the Comox Grind and had a decaf espresso milkshake.  I am sure every calorie went to my hips.  Friday I washed Ta Daa, polished windows and stainless steel.  Next I will tackle the inside. 

Saturday was the Bullhead Derby.  I did some serious fishing with Amelia, Juliet, Gracie, Stew, Clare, Leanne and Bill.  We, ahem I mean, the girls managed to catch a fish each to enter in the derby.  None won a prize but a good time was had by all.  The girls had more fun watching the fish in the bucket than they did holding the rods.  Can I blame them???

Thoughts and Emotions; Waves and the Ocean

The title is borrowed from the book The Tibetan Book of Living And Dying.  Countless thoughts.  The thoughts rising from deep and profound emotion are never ending much like the waves rising out of the ocean. There is always another and another.  Some waves much steeper than others, some gentle. 

I never stop thinking about Ron and why he had to move on so soon.  I will never find that reason, at least not in this life. 

I often have thoughts of Ron’s last hours.  How quiet, calm and free of pain he was.  I vividly remember his last breath.  I knew it was his last.   I kissed him; I spoke softly to him.  I told him.  I understand; I told him I love him.  I stood at the end of the bed and quietly observed my Ron.  I vividly remember how I left him, as if he were in a peaceful sleep.  I vividly remember walking away knowing that I would never see my husband again.  I remember being relieved for him that he did not have to endure another moment of pain underlying his inexorable and unstoppable cancer. 

I often have thoughts of where my life will take me.  Ron and I were so focused on our dream, and it was truly our dream, that I did not have wants and desires to be doing anything other than planning to sail off shore with Ron.

Thinking exhausts me for there are no answers to my questions. I think about where to live, work or not work, live aboard or not live aboard, what should I do next, travel or not travel, sign up for courses or not, volunteer or not volunteer, stay put or not stay put, do something or be patient, keep sailboat or purchase power boat, keep same boat or purchase smaller boat, take a road trip or stay home, run or face the future, determine the future or let it happen, what is sensible, what is not sensible, what is reasonable, what is not reasonable.  I constantly wonder,  “Who am I?” “Where am I going?” “What is my future?”

I do know that I have my morals and values.  I do know that I love my kids and grand children to bits and pieces.  I do know who my friends are.  I do know that I am loved.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I like to share my stories; I like to help others.  I have little tolerance and energy for the petty issues.  I admire the strength of many. 

Without Ron I do know that I will never be the same Janice.  For now, I will let my thoughts build, roll in and out of my emotions as the waves build and roll in and out of the ocean. I believe that one day I will find the calm.

Meghan & Blair - July 9, 2011

Weather Report:  Clear blue skies, sunny, warm and a gentle breeze. 

The morning of wedding day was full of as much energy as the days leading up to the wedding.  We now have to make the commitment to venture to the venue.  Nothing more can be done in the Comox Valley.  Off we go.  Meghan and her iPhone was multi-tasking on the ride between Comox Valley and Saratoga Beach (next door to Miracle Beach).  I could not help but think of what we did before the “SMART” phone.  We arrived and let it be sufficient for me to say that a few last minute details captured Meghan’s attention before retreating to the Mother-of-the-Brides’s cabin.  The cabin was a hub of activity with so many people:  the bride, the mother of the bride, maid of honour, bride attendant, two flower girls, mother of flower girls, photographer and photographer assistant.  Whew!  Have I missed anyone?  Winston, my fur baby, watched the commotion from his blanket tucked in the corner.

Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.  Meghan’s engagement ring was that of Blair’s nana when she was first engaged – something old.  Meghan’s beautiful strapless and form fitting wedding gown, a gift from me and Ron, was something new.  A green bead from my Chamilia bracelet was something borrowed.  For something blue, Meghan chose sapphire earrings tearfully and lovingly pinned to the underside of her dress.  These earrings were a gift to Meghan from Ron many years ago.

I am going to take a few sentences to digress.  In July of 2010 Ron and I had some boxes at my father’s that needed to be sorted.  As usual, Meg was there to help.  In one of the boxes was a pair of LABBATS sunglasses.  They were dark blue had a retro look but they were the real thing.  Ron had won those glasses in a ski race in March 1985.  I know this because I was in the same race and on the same team as Ron.  Meghan was just three months old.   I too won glasses but mine were white and I lost track of them years ago. 

 

Meghan donned the glasses and announced, “ I am wearing these when I walk down the aisle with Blair.”  Little did she, or I, or Ron could have guessed what was about to happen later that afternoon.  Blair, at Nana’s place in the country, proposed to Meghan!  Coincidence or what???  Meghan wore the sunglasses, as declared, down the sandy aisle at Saratoga Beach. 

The bride was stunning, the groom striking.  Minutes after the ceremony, Bill an esteemed friend of Ron’s, found Meghan in a rare moment alone.  He approached her, lowered his 6’4’’ frame to Meghan’s 5’3’’.  He gently and softly spoke the following words “Ron asked me to tell you that he is here watching and that he loves you very much and he is so very happy for you.”  Ron was with us – words from Bill, the sunglasses, the earrings and the love for all. 

It was an amazing day.  What is more amazing is that Bill kept this a secret for five months.  What is even more amazing is my husband, Ron; to be hours away from dying and thinking of anyone but himself.  

With A Little Help From My Friends

And of course daughter and son...

Today is Meghan's wedding  It has been a buzz of activity and that has been good for me.  Thursday morning was not so good for me.  I was exhausted from a very unsettled night and found myself with the weeping continuing into the day on Thursday.  I packed up to be with family and friends in the Comox Valley.  Once I arrived I felt much better and much settled.  

Let me rephrase that... I was kept so busy I didn't have time to think about  my woes.  Running around, consults with the bride, shopping for food, food preparation, consults with the bride, food delivery, consults with the bride, decorating, consults with the bride, table setting and more consults with the bride.  You get the picture. 

A huge thank you to Bill and Leanne for opening their doors and the use of their gourmet kitchen for the food preparation and their tireless efforts on the multi tasks that go along with the day before the wedding panic.

The big day is here!  I have been awake since 0500.  Today I know that Ron is with me.  He will want Meghan to have the best day ever.  Thank you to those who have reassured me that Ron will be here.  I believe that it has added to my strenght for the day.  Off I go... stay tuned and I promise to post a picture or two. 

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

This week it feels like my emotional strength has slipped backwards.  Perhaps it is a perfect storm - getting closer to Meghan's wedding, dealing with bankers, dealing with everyday issues.  It has worn me out emotionally.  For some reason I cannot find the strength to pull it together.  Tomorrow is a new day.  


I am so looking forward to the happiest day of my daughters life - her wedding day on July 9th.  It will be an outdoor wedding and more fitting, a beach wedding at Passages Resort, Miracle Beach.  She will be marrying her friend, the love of her life.


I am dreading the happiest day of my daughters life.  It is a family event and Ron was meant to be there.  Everyone tells me Ron will be with us and that is true but it is not good enough.  Here I sit broken hearted.  You may have heard the saying - two souls, one heart.  That was me and Ron.  When he died, my heart died with him.  


Both my kids feel that step-father was not an appropriate title for Ron.  To them he was much more.  He was a mentor, a role model, an inspiration, a sounding board, a friend and so much more.  


Ron will be hugely missed on July 9 and I have to believe he will give me the strength to be the best mom on her daughters wedding day.